The humor page is here so I can post all the funny things I hear and usually wind up forgeting. Here they are, so that I and everyone else can enjoy them for free. The humor page consists of jokes, stories, audio files, and video files. Jose Jalapeno, Walter, & Peanut are acts performed by the very funny comedian/ventriloquist Jeff Dunham. The "Bin Laden Poem", "American Poem", "Candy Bar Poem", and "Beer Poem" are all by comedian John Valby, aka. Dr. Dirty. Send me all your jokes or audio/video files.

Candy Bar Poem (Valby)

Beer Poem (Valby)

Bin Laden Poem (Valby)

Hanukkah Song 2 (Sandler)

Hanukkah Song 1 (Sandler)

Delta Ebonics

Who's On First (Abbot & Costello)

Jalepeno on a stick (Dunham)

Si senor (Dunham)

Afraid for my life (Dunham)

Hang on (Dunham)

Less Filling vs Taste Great

Bud Light Swear Jar

But He Has Bud Light

Dude Vegas Bud Light

Trunk Monkey (Cop)

Trunk Monkey (Thief)

Monkey Joke

Triumph Insult Comic Dog

Terry Tate Office Linebacker

Jeff Dunham & Walter

Robert Deniro S.N.L.

Man Show Beer Stand

Chris Rock Ass Kicked

Miller Lite Bob Uecker

Scary Movie WazzUp!

Howard Stern WazzUp!

Gator Jokes

French Jokes

Yo Mama Jokes

So Stupid Jokes

Bar Jokes

More Jokes

Even More Jokes

The IRS decides to audit Ralph, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor is not surprised when Ralph shows up with his attorney. The auditor says, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable. I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Ralph. 'How about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.' Ralph says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.' The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.' Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops. Ralph says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.' Now the auditor can tel l Ralph isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Ralph's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Ralph asks. 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.' The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again. Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Ralph's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands. 'Are you okay?' the auditor asks. 'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Ralph told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'

A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around. "What the hell do you think you're doing?" "I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line." "Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of JuanGonzalez. "How was he killed?" asked one detective. "With a golf gun," the other detective replied. "A golf gun? What is a golf gun?" "I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."

A businessman got on an elevator in a tall building. When he entered the elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by saying, "T-G-I-F" He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T." She looked at him, puzzled, and said, "T-G-I-F" again. He acknowledged her remark again by answering, "S-H-I-T." The blonde finally decided to explain things, and this time she said, "T-G-I-F." It means "Thank Goodness It's Friday". Get it,duuhhh?" The man answered, "S-H-I-T -- "Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday, duuhh!!"

A rapist, a child molester, and a Catholic priest walk into a bar... oh wait, that's the same guy!

It's Halloween and this woman has nothing to wear and is going to an office Halloween party. She puts a sheet over her and sticks horns on it and goes to work. A co-worker asks her what she is dressed as. She replies, "Bull Sheet".

A guy walks into a quiet bar carrying three ducks-one in each hand and one under his left arm. He places them on the bar, has a few drinks, and chats with the bartender. The Bartender is experienced and has learned not to ask people about the animals that they bring into the bar, so he doesn't mention the ducks. He and the guy chat for about 30 minutes before the guy has to go to the restroom. Now, the bartender is alone with the ducks. After an awkward silence, he decides to try to make conversation. "What's your name?" he says to one of the ducks. "Huey," answers the first duck. "How's your day been, Huey?" "Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day." "Oh, that's nice," says the bartender. Then he says to the second duck, "And what's your name?". "Dewey," comes the answer. "So how's your day been, Dewey?" "Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. If I had the chance, I would do it all again." So the bartender turns to the third duck and says, "So, you must be Louie." "No," growls the third duck, "my name is Puddles. And don't ask about my day."

A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over. So, says the cop to the driver, where have you been? I've been to the pub, slurs the drunk. Well, says the cop, it looks like you've had quite a few. I did all right, the drunk says with a smile. Did you know, says thecop, standing straight and folding his arms, that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car? Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf.

Why did the blonde resolve to have only three children?
She read that one child out of every four babies born was Chinese.

A primary school teacher in the LosAngeles decided to see how many of the city kids knew what sounds farm animals made. She asked the kids to put their hands up if they knew the correct sound. Who knows what sound a cow makes? she asked. Mary put her hand up and said "Moooo!" Very good replied the teacher, what sound do sheep make? "Baaaa" answered Johnny. She continued this for a while. Then she asked "What sound does a pig make?" All the hands in the class went up. She was surprised at the response. She chose the shy little boy at the back of the class. He stood up, took a deep breath, and screamed, "Up against the wall, motherfucker!"

How did Pinocchio discover that he was made of wood?
His right hand caught fire.

What do you call a 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start!

There were 3 blondes. They all went into the woods,and came upon some tracks! The first blonde said "I think these are deer tracks." The second said "I think these are moose tracks." The third said " I think these are bear tracks" Then they got hit by a train!

Steven Spielberg was busy discussing his new action adventure about famous classical composers. Bruce Willis, Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger were in the room. "Who do you want to play?" Spielberg asked Bruce Willis. "I've always been a big fan of Chopin," said Bruce. "I'll play him." "And you, Sylvester?" asked Spielberg. "Mozart's the one for me!" said Sly. "And what about you?" Spielberg asked Arnold Schwarzenegger. "I'll be Bach," said Arnold.

Two IT guys were walking across the park when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second IT guy replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said,"Take what you want." The first IT guy nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

Two friends talking: "My wife got me to believe in religion." "Really?" "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell."

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death. One smart ass, male student said, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?", and the whole classroom burst into laughter. After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said, "Not an excuse, you can use your other hand to write."

Why doesn't Osama bin Laden have sex with his five wives?
Because every time he spreads their legs he sees Bush.

Two robins were sitting in a tree. "I'm really hungry", said the first one. "Me, too", said the second. "Let's fly down and find some lunch." They flew to the ground and found a nice plot of plowed ground full of worms. They ate and ate and ate and ate 'til they could eat no more. "I'm so full I don't think I can fly back up to the tree," said the first one. "Me neither. Let's just lay here and bask in the warm sun ", said the second. "O.K." said the first. They plopped down, basking in the sun. No sooner than they had fallen asleep, a big fat tomcat snuck up and ate them. As he sat washing his face after his meal, he thought, "I love baskin' robins."

After being with her all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened.When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died." "Thank heavens," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!"

A truck driver would amuse himself by running over lawyers he would see walking down the side of the road. Every time he would see a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him, and there would be a loud "THUMP" and then he would swerve back onto the road. One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over. He asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?" "I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road," replied the priest. "No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift." The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road. Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so he swerved back narrowly missing the lawyer. However even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "THUD". Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer." "That's okay", replied the priest. "I got him with the door!"

Two blondes are walking down the street when one of them bends over and picks up a piece of broken mirror. She looks in it and says, "Wow, this girl looks really familiar." The other blonde grabs the mirror from her, looks in it, and says, "You dumb shit, that's me."

What is the favorite mating call of a blonde? "I'm really drunk"
What is the other mating call of a blonde? "Didn't you hear me? I said, I'm really drunk."

Why are gypsies so careful when making love?
They have crystal balls.

How do you double the value of a Geo Metro?
Fill it with gas.

A woman was standing in a crowded elevator of the hotel she was in. A man got in and accidentally elbowed her in the breast. The man said, "I'm sorry! But if your heart is as soft as your tit, you'll forgive me." So the woman quietly replies, "If you dick is as hard as your elbow then I am staying in room 134.