"The French are a smallish, monkey-looking bunch and not dressed any better, on average, than the citizens of Baltimore. True, you can sit outside in Paris and drink little cups of coffee, but why this is more stylish than sitting inside and drinking large glasses of whiskey I don't know." —P.J O'Rourke (1989)

A lot of folks are still demanding more evidence before they actually consider Iraq a threat. For example, France wants more evidence. And you know I'm thinking, the last time France wanted more evidence they rolled right through Paris with the German flag." —David Letterman

"I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me." —General George S. Patton

"You know, the French remind me a little bit of an aging actress of the 1940s who was still trying to dine out on her looks but doesn't have the face for it." —John McCain, U.S. Senator from Arizona

"I don't know why people are surprised that France won't help us get Saddam out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn't help us get the Germans out of France." —Jay Leno

"Did you see the new bomb the government came up with? It weights 21,000 pounds. The Air Force tested this bomb in Florida and the bomb blast was so strong at Disneyworld 25 French tourists surrendered." —Jay Leno

"Broadway producers are saying that because of the war, musicals are suffering from weak ticket sales. Not only that, over at 'Les Miserables,' the French are refusing to take part in the revolution." —Conan O'Brien

"There was another war-related casualty today. The French were injured when they tried to jump on our bandwagon." —Jay Leno

"A lot of Americans right now are angry at the French. In Washington, the cafeteria where the members of Congress eat announced that they have changed the name of 'french fries' to 'freedom fries.' Nothing like this has happened since the 1950s when 'russian dressing' changed to 'commie sauce.'" —Conan O'Brien

"In protest of France's opposition to a U.S. war on Iraq, the U.S. Congress' cafeteria has changed french fries and french toast to 'freedom fries' and 'freedom toast.' Afterwards, the congressmen were so pleased with themselves, they all started freedom kissing each other. In a related story, in France, American cheese is now referred to as 'idiot cheese.'" —Tina Fey, Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"

"Army personnel in Kuwait unloaded a dozen faulty tanks that only go in reverse. Tanks that only go in reverse — they've been repackaged and sold to France." —Craig Kilborn

"I would call the French scumbags, but that, of course, would be a disservice to bags filled with scum. I say we invade Iraq, then invade Chirac." —Dennis Miller (Click for more of Dennis Miller's rant)

"The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq." —Dennis Miller

"As you know our Allies of Evil are not being helpful with this Iraqi situation. With all due respect I think President Bush is handling this situation all wrong What Bush should do is send someone the French really respect, like Jerry Lewis." —Jay Leno

"You know why the French don't want to bomb Saddam Hussein? Because he hates America, he loves mistresses and wears a beret. He is French, people." —Conan O'Brien

"Well, it looks like we've moved a step closer to war. Not with Iraq. With France and Germany. How did we screw that one up?" —Jay Leno

"President Bush and National Security Guard Tom Ridge launched the new Department of Homeland Security, just 24 hours after taking us down to threat level French — I'm sorry, I mean threat level yellow." —Craig Kilborn

"President Bush has called for the end of the marriage tax calling marriage a 'sacred institution recognized by God and man.' Wow, this guy can't stop slamming the French." —Craig Kilborn

"After an exhaustive investigation, the Defense Minister of France said today that Osama bin Laden is either still in hiding in Afghanistan, he may have escaped to Pakistan, or he may be dead. Hey, France, thanks a lot. We'll take it from here. Hard to believe they were invaded twice." —Jay Leno

"The last time the French asked for 'more proof,' it came marching into Paris under a German flag." —David Letterman

"French troops arrived in Afghanistan last week, and not a minute too soon. The French are acting as advisers to the Taliban, to teach them how to surrender properly." —Jay Leno

"Finally, this week the French soldiers have showed up in Afghanistan. Figures — just like the French to show up after the hard work has been done." —Jay Leno

"We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it." —Marge Simpson

An old saying: Raise your right hand if you like the French.... Raise both hands if you are French.

How many Frenchmen does it take to defend Paris? Nobody knows, it's never been tried.

Why don't they have fireworks at Euro Disney? Because every time they shoot them off, the French try to surrender.

Anyone see the French Military Rifle on eBay? It's never been shot and only dropped once!